BEST BOOK EVER!!
I freaking LOVED this book.
This book is hilarious. But it was also beautiful, sweet, and it broke my heart in the best way possible(because there is so much pining, it was awesome).
“It’s you,” I said, not able to look away. “It’s how I feel when I’m with you. How I think I’ve always felt. You’re my lightning-struck heart. Ever since I’ve known you, you’ve struck my heart, and now I have to let you go because you’re not mine to keep. I need someone that I can be strong for. But I need someone who can also be strong for me.”
I cannot express my love for Sam enough. Sam, a 20 year old wizard apprentice. The most powerful there is actually. Sam, who doesn’t know how to shut up, ever. And his pining for Ryan was just EPIC.
Knight Commander Ryan Foxheart was climbing slowly out of the river, water cascading down his body, dripping over miles and miles of muscle.
“I swear he’s doing this on purpose,” Gary whispered hotly.
“I swear I want to do him on purpose,” I breathed.
“You okay, Sam? ” Ryan asked, and his voice was husky.
So I blurted out, “I’ve got wood.” Gary turned his head slowly to gape at me.
“Oh dear gods,” I muttered. Then louder, “Wood. I brought the wood. I’ve got so much wood. Wood. Fuck. Firewood. I’ve got firewood. For the fire. Because it’s going to get nipples out tonight. Cold. It’s going to get cold out tonight. Sweet molasses.”
And Ryan, I loved Ryan. He was awesome.
I’ve heard of you… people.”
Oh gods. Mama cocked her head at him. To most, it wouldn’t have seemed like anything. But for those that knew her, Mama was coiling to strike.
“What do you mean by you people?” she asked.
I had to stop the bloodshed before it could start. “He means—”
“Pimps,” Ryan said. “Is that what you’re called? Pimps? Brothel owner? Whoremaster? Queen of the Fuck Palace?”
And how can I express my love for all the other amazing characters..
Gary, the gay hornless unicorn.
“When were you tied up? ”I asked again.
“It was that centaur we met last year. In the elf realm.”
“You said you were just friends!”
“We were. We were just the kind of friends that tied each other up and pushed our penises together.”
Tiggy, the half giant.
“You want mouth full of knight,” Tiggy said. “Knight take your flower and eat it.”
Kevin, the dragon.
“Why are we even out here!”
“Bonding,” Kevin said. “ You said that we needed bonding.” Then he leered at me, his lip curling, tongue snaking out between his fangs. “Or perhaps you meant bondage? Is that what you meant, pretty? You need me to tie you up and choke you on my dick? Make you scream as I twist your little nipples? Make you—”
“That’s not what I meant at all.”
“Okay, so, how would you feel if you looked like you had boobs?”
“Is that a hypothetical question? ” the king said.
“Hypothetically… no. More like that’s what I painted somehow and will now be a part of the finished product because I don’ t know how to fix it. Nor do I know if I want to.”
“Am I busty?”
“Very. You also have three of them.”
I have so much love for them all.
Yes, the romance mostly consists of pining for each other without any sexy times (there are sexy times, don't worry!). It took Ryan a while to get his head out of his ass. Especially since Sam had no idea how Ryan was feeling.
Until the truth corn of course. No way around it after that.
”When you do anything, I get hard, really. Even your ridiculous sex puns. You remember when you wrapped those Dark wizards in stone at the restaurant?”
“Yeah,” I managed to say.
“I wanted to tell you that you gave me an e-rock-tion.” Ryan bent over and banged his forehead against the table. “Why, why, why did I say that out loud? Please. Someone. Anyone. Kill me.”
It takes a long time for these two to get together, but it was worth the wait. I sighed, I swooned, and to steal Gary’s words, I got a heart boner.
This book had everything I ever wanted in a book. A fairy tale with a magical hero who is socially awkward yet also very awesome in his ramblings, cool sidekicks, extremely funny situations and a lovely HEA.